Don’t mind the Joanna Newsom album on there, there’s tons of other good stuff.

We’ve all been out with these families before. Whether our own or that of our best friends. You sit down, order a round of waters to begin and then the head of the family orders 2 or 3 appetizers to split between the group of you. This is the ultimate symbol of “dig in, we’re gonna have a hell of a time tonight.” And this is also your first clue that the group of people you’re with are truly awesome. THIS is the family you wish was yours. This is the family that everyone wants to hang out with, that all your friends clamor to talk to when they come over. And it all begins with appetizers.

See, the family that doesn’t order appetizers is practical. Which is fine. I’m all for practical. But you’ve already made the decision to eat out. You’ve somehow managed to wrangle the whole clan into one place at the same time, and you’re clearly going to be spending a good chunk of change. So what’s the deal? You don’t even consider it? No. Because it wouldn’t be practical. It might cut into your appetites a little and besides (here’s the real reason), you never order appetizers.

Listen folks, it’s time to step outside the college fund/braided belt lifestyle for just a moment and enjoy yourself. Trust us. It’ll be worth it. No one is better off for that $5.95 you just saved by not getting an order of calamari. And you wonder why your kids go straight to the basement when their friends come over? It’s all related.

The thing about appetizers: You either get them every time or you get them never. The one and only exception is when you order a certain appetizer dish as an entree  one time and then you end up going back to the restaurant just because of that spectacular dish. Otherwise, it’s a yes or a no, and you know the answer before you even open the menu. And that’s the real difference here. Families that automatically order appetizers are incredible to be around. Expect to have an Olive Garden level of euphoria at dinner that evening. And we’re not talking filmed, acted euphoria. This is the real thing. Laughs, spills, more laughs and siblings who most likely hang out on the weekends willingly. Whereas families who snub the appetizer course, whose faces are buried in the menu during the waiter/waitress’ opening monologue, will be polite as hell, eat quietly and will undoubtedly send back one entree. It’s just science.

So let me end by saying that if you fall into the latter category, do you and your family a favor and start ordering appetizers. Your whole life will change as a result of this. And if you’re already a member of the incredible appetizer ordering families I described above, well, congratulations. You’ve got one of those cool families that I bet all your friends grew up loving. Enjoy.

What do you think, dear readers? Which group did you fall into? Have you noticed the same dynamic? What other characteristics make up an automatically awesome family? We’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter….

First and foremost, to address Rose, yes, we were livid about Evan staying on the show, So You Think You Can Dance. Not only staying on the show, but sending hope the jumping freak that is Ade. We’re convinced that every forty-something suburban mom is voting for Evan because he’s that ugly kind of cute and people feel sorry for him. What’s that Evan? A tie with a top hat and some Frank Sinatra music? Shocking. I mean, even the judges comments revolved around this theme: Evan – congratulations on not getting domintated by the incredible dancers around you. Congratulations on not sucking badly. So in summary, yes, America got it ridiculously wrong. And yes, we are quite upset about it.

Two things rolled into one: Sarah Palin – nice speech. Not only was it coherent and well-written, but the delivery! Masterful! Please, please run for President, Ms. Palin. As a staunch democrat, I can’t think of a better way to ensure President Obama gets 8 years in office. Also, with a little practice, this woman can achieve Gov. Palin status. We Birds believe in her.

Is anyone ready for fall as much as we are? I’ve been craving sweatshirts and jeans and walks to work that didn’t involve sweat and clingy shirts.

It was 107 degrees in Portland this week. What??

This will be the topic of a later post, but, don’t you just love it when guys think they’re unique and ‘different’ when they say they prefer a girl in sweats than all dressed up? All guys feel that way!! You’re not unique in any way whatsoever.

Omar Minaya – good stuff.

I couldn’t be more ready for baseball playoffs to start, signaling the end of the 162-game season.

How do you all feel about new employees in your office? Do you hate them immediately or are you the nice type, the welcoming type? A little internal poll we’re conducting…

The coolest kind of snob you can be is a literature snob. It immediately elevates your level of sophistication and speaks volumes to your intellectual prowess and ability to relate to anyone. Next in line in a close second is a coffee snob. Last place, currently, is a music snob.

Looking for a time-waster at work today? I strongly recommend finding accurate and clear pictures of missing albums in your iTunes library and spending the day dragging and dropping from Google images.

Again, we can’t stress enough how much we disagree with America in choosing to save Evan. The choreographers now get to deal with a dancer that’s too short for anything they want to do. Again. Kid’s never even been in the bottom two.

Wow.

So readers, what else do you have to say? What did we miss? Drop us a line and we’ll add em in throughout the day.