Have you seen this new commercial? The one where a whole bunch of Generation Y’ers gather around some dilapidated parking lot in the middle of the day and construct a mural of His Airness made out of Gatorade bottles. Yes, they should be out looking for jobs instead, but really, with what other generation would this incredible waste of time resonate as not only acceptable, but probable?

The point is pretty clear though – Michael Jordan is still relevant, and not only relevant, but still awe-inspiring. More so than any other athlete working today. Yes, Nike’s Witness campaign is incredible, but there’s just something about Michael Jordan that speaks on another level that LBJ has yet to reach. Maybe he will someday, but for now, keep Michael around. In fact, use him more. Now there’s an idea that’s G.

You can bet everything you have in your wallet or purse that I’ll be the proud owner of all 6 of these collector’s edition bottles featuring MJ’s mug. Lame? Maybe. But Gatorade’s That’s G folks are marketing precisely to me – to that sports-obsessed, basketball breathing, 1988 dunk contest worshiping freak who lives for this stuff. And believe me, there are thousands of us out there. Michael changed the game, and there’s no reason he can’t still change it again.

Nike, if you’re out there, if you’re listening, please – please feature Jordan in a new commercial or campaign in the way only you can. I’ll be waiting….drinking Gatorade….

10. Hockey highlights in the Top 10 on Sportscenter. This should never, ever happen and should never, ever happen again. I can’t think of anything less exciting than 3 separate hockey plays that looked identical to each other. More crazy soccer goals and dunks and people getting run over by bulls, please.

9. Year-round NFL coverage. We get it. The NFL is popular. Although we don’t like it, we deal with the constant coverage during the season. But turning on the tv and seing NFL Live in April is just stupid. Is Trey Wingo not marketable in anything outside the NFL and women’s basketball? Don’t even get us started on ridiculous coverage of day 2 of the NFL draft.

8. Snow cone guy. On a given summer afternoon, how many of you are buying snow cones? Like, three of you? Every time the snow cone guy comes down my aisle, I immediately feel sorry for him. He’s got one less snow cone out of the initial 25 he was given, he’s covered in sick, runny colored syrups and his snow cones have evaporated to almost nothing except clear ice. Get this guy a beer gig and we’ll all be happier.

7. Spackled referee shoes. I’m not a referee, so I can’t speak from experience, but I can’t think of a single good reason that basketball officials spackle their shoes to a high Andy Dufresne shine. Are you afraid of sponsorships? Trying to cover up the brands? If so, maybe Nike Shox should be outlawed. Kind of a distinct look that’s hard to spackle over.

6.Dunk contest judges. I know, I know. But I’d be fine eliminating the whole contest altogether. With the exception of next year, when Lebron turns this whole getting dunked on thing into some crazy Nike campaign, it will be completely worthless. The best dunks never win. If you’re short you get bonus points. And the judges are absolutely terrible. Every single dunk, 9 or 10, no matter what. We need to have a mass text vote or something. Make it online or interactive.

5.Giving Little Kids Foul Balls. First off, I know its supposed to be some good bonding to take your little tiny new child to a ball game – but it’s awful to sit next to. So, you’re telling me I have to spend all game next to some 5 year old squirming around, throwing fits, eating sick cotton candy, judging me as I get drunk and start cussing… then, if I risk my life catching a scorching line drive I have to be guilted into giving it to this little son of a bitch? No dice.

4. Extreme Cold. If you live in the South or in Florida or California you’re probably waving your up turned nose at me. But try seeing a game when its like -6 degrees outside. Its awful. The whole time you’re rooting for a blow out so you can go home. The people who do stick around? Trust me, they’re so drunk they won’t even remember who was playing.

3. Air horns. We get it.

2. Cars that race. Yes. We know NASCAR is super popular. Yes. We know we just don’t understand/appreciate it. Who cares? It’s stupid. You know what? We don’t care. These races take like 6 hours and always clog the airways. I suppose its good because at least its not more football coverage, but seriously, its awful.

1. ESPN. ESPN has ruined sports. Over cover. Over analyze. Over do everything. we used to be kids and  would watch Sportscenter before school – it was incredible. But now its like the Chad Johnson, TO, Brett Farve and Kobe hour. Followed by sixteen hours of football coverage and gross columnists yelling at each other. This horrible network single handedly destroyed our pleasure of sports.

Did we leave anything out? Let us know your list

That’s the worst part. Half these people could just be using it as some sort of notch in their belt. Technically, training for a marathon could be an endless process – one that provides an unspecified amount of time to be used in convincing people you’re way more motivated and in shape than you actually are. I know I run every now and then, but I’m a realist. I don’t have the stamina, talent, motivation, body, drive (and on and on) necessary to ever sniff a marathon. I tried training for a 5k but gave that idea up when I realized it wouldn’t be easy.

Here’s the thing. I know I should be supporting people running marathons and being in shape (albeit weird, skeleton showing, distance runner-style shape). But I really think that if everyone does a marathon, they kind of lose their glimmer. “Oh, you ran a marathon? I did too.”

I’m pretty sure this is all just sour grapes on my part because there’s no way I can run a marathon, but I know a ton of people who all the sudden decided to train for a marathon completely out of nowhere. Didn’t even work out regularly. Was it on Oprah recently or something? Oh well, as fads go, this one is less annoying than the I’m-going-to-quote-every-funny-line-from-the-Chappelle-show craze that we went through a while back. Not to mention the whole Texas Hold ‘em fad. That one really sucked.

What else am I missing?

Where did this kid come from? How did I not know? Why hasn’t this kid gone crazy and beat ass all over school? But no. The kid kept to himself. Never talked. The fact that he won a gold medal at a world championship became just another characteristic. Like brown hair.

“Jack? Yeah… he was the quiet kid right? The one who won that medal for spin kicking people in the face? Had a lot of ance too? No, I didn’t know him well.”

This is the kid that gets one glorious moment in the sun – when everyone finds out and then begs the kid to teach them something or show them something. But you know what? The kid will maybe teach you something useless – like how to break the hold of a captor. But he’ll rarely ever do anything. The reason why (I think) is because performing karate involves so many awkward yells and stupid looking movements. It’s like the tough version of the gymnastic floor routine.

So. This one’s to you random kid who is incredible at karate but never talks or interacts with anyone.

And please, if you have a story about your random incredible karate kid share it below.