Pink Eye: Worlds Best Excuse
Don’t feel like going to work? Girlfriend really wants you to come to her family reunion in Alabama over the weekend? Don’t have a paper done and need some extra time? There is one excuse to get you out of all of it. Pink Eye.
The reason pink eye is so effective is because people only know 3 things about it.
- It sucks
- It makes your eye look sick
- Its super contagious
The third reason is the real kicker. It’s the thing that separates it from a migraine or unplanned pregnancy or car wreck or whatever other stupid excuses are out there. People aren’t going to check on you. They’re not going to ask you to come in and prove it.
“Oh. You have Pink Eye? Listen, don’t even come near here you sick son of a bitch. In fact, take the next few days off you disgusting pig pen.”
To be honest, I don’t even know what pink eye is. I don’t know what causes it. I don’t know how long it lasts. People always spoke about it in past tense. Everyone always “had” pink eye. I never learned about it because no one would dare come near another human being while under its spell.
In fact, the only thing I do know about pink eye is that when I was a manager at a country club it was the most common ailment on Saturday mornings before 10. It was a pandemic (of course I think the fact that I was a huge pussy who was too accommodating helped).
Pink Eye is the magic bullet of the excuse world. How do you even treat it? A damp rag? Apparently it only last like one or two days? No evidence afterward. If you assholes out there can come up with a more perfect excuse, I’d like to hear it.
(Deaths of already dead family members don’t count because they are both limiting and chocked full of bad karma)
Here are my top 3 (Admittedly, none of them are as genius as Pink Eye):
Anal leakage
Jury duty
Stab wound
I’m pretty sure pink eye comes from eye contact with feces, or feces related material. So, don’t wipe your butt with your hand and then wipe your eyes. Or like in “Knocked Up”, don’t let someone fart on your pillow and then sleep on it. If you have roommates, I’d lock your bedroom door
i once pulled the pinkeye excuse in college to get out of work for a pool party, and my f’ing boss called me out on it! luckily, one of my roommates had these medicated rx eyedrops that i brought in the next day. showed him.
Been there. Done that. It works great. My other go to excuse: Lower GI Issues (aka Diarrhea). NO one wants to hear about it. You don’t need to sound sick over the phone. You can blame it on some “bad food” you ate at a “[insert a foerign restaurant here] restaurant” the previous night. No one wants to hear about diarrhea. And it only has the last 24 hours.