Is Anyone Even Gathering Around the Water Cooler Anymore?

So I read three articles yesterday that discussed some things that happened over the weekend. One in politics, one in sports and one on television. And in all three, the author discussed what we, the reading public might choose to discuss at the ‘water cooler’. Which brings me to my next point. Do any of you have water coolers in your offices anymore? And if so, are you standing around with those sick paper cones discussing the night’s events? Our guess is you aren’t.

We are the Starbucks generation. A group full of caffeeine-chugging hipsters that absolutely have to have our coffee before we’re able to function in the morning. We’ve been through this before. So we’re here to proclaim the end to this outdated phrase. There’s a new idiom to add to the dictionary: “Gather around the coffee pot.”

So tomorrow when you go in to discuss American Idol – how mad Simon makes you, how crazy Paula is and how much better Adam Lambert is than everyone else, at least you’ll be about to do it around a beverage dispenser that you can actually respect. At least you’ll be able to hold a respectable mug that won’t leave your hand covered in disgusting white residue. (There probably wasn’t a sorrier excuse for a cup than those flimsy cone things that came with you water cooler subscription). Subscription? Membership? Who cares. I mean, is the Culligan man even around anymore? What a ridiculous industry fad.

Hey, I’ve got an idea. Instead of making individual, personal bottles of clean, fresh water for everyone to enjoy on their own time, let’s make one huge bottle. Then, let’s give them the smallest portions of water possible so that they have to stand around the water cooler for hours at a time just to quench their thirst. Then let’s make sure the bottles are so heavy and awkward that we have to pay a trained professional to install them on a weekly basis. Oh, and lets make sure there’s an obnoxious bubble sound every time they get a cone of cool liquid. That way, everyone will know Eric is at the damn water cooler again instead of working.

Listen, we all know as the day wears on, getting a bottle of water or a third cup of coffee is just a measure we all take to pass time – to get to the end of the day. But that damn water cooler made it impossible to slack off even the slightest bit without being noticed. That drowning ‘gulp’ sound was like a slacker alarm that would go off to anyone within earshot of you. Pretty soon, Eric’s fired because of his lack of productivity. Real shocker the water cooler didn’t last. Real shocker.

We think it’s time we all started saying what we’re already doing. So from now on, we’re gathering around the coffee pot to gossip. We’re gathering around the coffee pot to talk sports, weather and pop culture. We’re gathering around the coffee pot to waste a few minutes in the afternoon hours. And this time, you’ll get away with it. We promise.