An Open Letter to Loud Sneezers

Really? Does it have to be that loud every single time? You’re telling me you have no control over it? Like it’s some traceable trait that with the use of a Punnett Square we’d be able to identify which of your parents cursed you with the horrid loud sneeze (I’m guessing its recessive, like maybe little s little s, but that’s just a guess, could very well be Big S little s or some combination thereof).

But really, I love being scared shitless at random intervals throughout the day. Oh god, is someone getting murdered? Nope. Just you and your ear splitting sneeze. Seriously, I know for a fact you can control it. I know because I sneeze too and have managed to tame them so they sound like a little kitten or puppy. I do it as a service to those around me. Not only do I not terrify them, but its cute. It’s a cute goddamn sneeze I’ve developed.

What’s that? No. Just gonna keep on with the gasping, the loud yelling, the dramatic post-sneeze sigh? Well thanks. Let’s be honest, the least you could do is give a little warning. I don’t think I’ve ever had a sneeze that I didn’t feel coming. I had at least a few seconds to prepare myself for the coming expulsion. You could at least yell out, “I’m about to sneeze really loud, please don’t be taking a drink of something that you don’t mind potentially spilling all over you in complete fright.”

You know, it’s a good thing you’re not one of those multiple sneezers. The kind who only go in sets of two’s or three’s. That’d be no way to live. Three hair raising, sonic boom sized sneezes in a row. You wouldn’t be fit for society if you did that. It’d be best if you were moved out to a shack in the woods, unless pollen is one of your problems. In which case, boy, I don’t even know.

So Loud Sneezer, what do you say moving forward we try a few of these things? Taming the sneeze. Giving a little warning. Embracing the fact that EVERYONE hates it when you sneeze and EVERYONE is really sick of your whole little schtick. It’s endearing once, then its just awful.